


And I am afraid of my dreams.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is based on a scene in the Episode "Captain Jack Harkness", between Jack and Jack on a Staircase, much elaborated and altered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmare.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story contains sex, violence, torture, death and rape.
> 
> Disclaimer: Title borrowed from Wanda Pomykalski-----Characters Jack and Ianto from the BBC--rest is all mine---
> 
> This story contains short sections without punctuation. This is intentional.

Ianto was awakened by the sound of Jack having yet another nightmare. As usual, he was screaming and shouting incoherently, sweating and crying. Ianto rolled over and wrapped his arms around his partner and pressed his lips against Jack's trembling face. After a moment, Jack stopped shouting and his body began to relax. He slowly opened his eyes.

''Oh" he said.

"Yes, oh" responded Ianto ''another nightmare--or was it the same one?''

''The same one'' Jack sighed ''I have different ones----but I have this one a lot.''

Ianto separated himself from Jack, sat up, and folded his arms. "Are you ever going to tell me about it?'' he asked ''or do I just have to guess again?''

''I've TOLD you'' Jack snapped, sitting up as well, and folding his arms in turn.

''You told me you had a best friend. You persuaded him to run away to War with you. He was tortured and killed in front of you'' said Ianto ''that's all.''

''That's all there is'' said Jack.

''Who were you fighting? How old were you? What was his name? What did they do to him?'' Ianto asked ''you could tell me a great deal more than you have.''

''I can't talk about it'' Jack muttered ''not in detail. It's so long ago anyhow. It's in the past. Long in the past.''

''It's still in your mind'' Ianto pointed out ''otherwise you wouldn't keep having nightmares about it, would you?''

''Maybe'' Jack agreed, reluctantly ''but I can't talk about it----not even to you----not in detail. It'd be too painful.''

''Perhaps'' Ianto mused ''you could write it down. Then you could give it to me to read. You wouldn't have to SAY anything.''

''Write it down?'' Jack replied ''actually WRITE it down?''

''Why not?'' said Ianto ''it might make you feel better----you know----kind of exorcise your ghosts.''

''What makes you think it would help?'' Jack asked, with a deep sigh.

''I just-----'' Ianto wasn't quite sure what to say. He thought hard .''I just think it might help'' he said finally, ''at the moment you're keeping most of the agony inside yourself. You've said a little of it----but it isn't enough. Obviously it isn't enough. If you wrote it all down----maybe it would----perhaps get it out of your system--once and for all---.''

''Write it all down'' Jack muttered to himself ''on paper, it would have to be. Paper is better. Nice thick expensive paper.'' He grinned.

Ianto grinned back. ''I'm serious'' he protested, glad though that Jack was feeling better ''write it down. I dare you.''

Jack suddenly looked sad again. ''It's a terrible story'' he said.

''I have some stories of my own I could tell you'' Ianto said ''write it for me, Jack, no matter how terrible it is.''

''I may just do it'' Jack said. He stared up at the ceiling and said aloud to himself ''I may just really do it.''


	2. The envelope.

It was nearly a month, and several nightmares later, that Ianto went home to his apartment to see if he had any Mail. He spent a lot of his time in the Hub with Jack, but he still spent time at his home, especially if Jack was busy with paperwork or something. He did have Mail. There was a large heap of adverts, several demands for money from various utilities, and a large, fat, brown envelope with Fragile written on the front and back.

Ianto took off his coat, made himself a coffee and sat down with the large envelope. He recognized Jack's handwriting immediately. He opened the envelope and found inside several sheets of paper covered with Jack's sprawling writing. He felt a shiver of excitement as he read the message on the first page.

To Ianto,  
Here it is. Read. Digest. Destroy. Then try to forget. I have been trying for longer than you can imagine. Writing this nearly killed me except I am immortal-------if HE had only been-----

Ianto started to read. It didn't take long. Not very long anyhow. He read and read and let his coffee grow cold. When he had finished reading he folded the papers carefully and put them away in a drawer in his bedroom. He then put on his coat and returned to the Hub. He found Jack in his office. He wasn't doing anything and Ianto realized that he was waiting. He was just waiting. When he saw Ianto he stood up and then they were wrapped in each others arms.

''You read it?" Jack said quietly against Ianto's neck.

''Yes'' Ianto replied ''I read it all.''

Jack gave a huge sigh and then started to sob. His body shook with the force of his tears. Ianto held him tightly and his own eyes filled with tears as he thought of the words Jack had written. ''It's OK'' he said, trying to be calm ''I'm here and I'll never let you go.''

''You don't care that I'm a complete bastard?'' Jack murmured, sniffing hard.

''You were 15'' said Ianto.

''I let him die'' Jack sighed ''I let him die after I persuaded him to go in the first place. I told him it would be an adventure.''

''He was only a little bit younger than you'' Ianto pointed out ''he didn't HAVE to do what you said.''

''He loved me'' said Jack.

''So?'' Ianto responded ''didn't you love him too?''

''Yes'' Jack said slowly ''I did. He was my first love. It was like with Gray only much worse. I should have looked out for him.''

''You aren't responsible for the troubles of the World, Jack'' said Ianto ''you weren't responsible for your brother either. You were a child. A CHILD. You were never to blame, whatever anyone else thought.''

Jack let go of Ianto and sat down again behind his desk. He propped his head up on his hands. "I FEEL responsible'' he said ''for ages I didn't. I conned people. I lied and cheated and used them. Now I feel bad about everything. It's like a weight upon my heart. I carry it around with me wherever I go and I can never get rid of it. It's like a curse and I have to suffer for all the things I did wrong and all the people I hurt and I have to do it for eternity.''

''You're wrong'' said Ianto ''anything you ever did wrong has been wiped out by all the good you've done since. You are the greatest person I know.''

Jack suddenly smiled. ''You love me'' he said.

''Yes'' Ianto answered ''and you love me too.''

''Yes'' said Jack ''I do.''

Ianto went to Jack again and took hold of both of his hands. ''Let's go to bed'' he said ''tomorrow is waiting.''

Jack stood up. ''OK'' he said ''but you're wrong about something. I'm not a great person, but you are.''

''Flattery, flattery'' Ianto laughed, and they went down to Jack's cramped quarters and slept in each others arms, and Ianto awoke before Jack and thought of Jack's story and knew it would haunt him for the rest of his life.


	3. I was fifteen that Spring when THEY came again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto reads Jack's story.

I was fifteen that Spring when THEY came again. Everyone over the age of 18 went to fight and I longed to go too. I was alone in the World. My Father was dead; my Mother had died with my brother's name still on her lips; my brother was gone. I was alone and considered myself to be an adult. When I was hungry or dirty or just plain miserable, I would go to Jimmy's home and beg a bed or a meal or occasionally just a hug. Jimmy was my best friend in all the World. We had known each other since Kindergarten, but only since Gray's departure had we become close. I looked on him like a brother. I loved him. His Father and Mother had more than once said they wanted to adopt me, as they only had Jimmy, but I resisted. My Parents were gone and I felt I didn't need replacements, and besides, they didn't pay much attention to Jimmy anyhow.

I wanted to go and fight. I tried to persuade Jimmy that it would be a great adventure but he wasn't convinced. I kept on and on and on at him until one day, to my surprise, he agreed and said "let's go.'' He made me promise that if it was too dangerous, or we were rejected as being too young and inexperienced we would go right home again and I agreed. I agreed but I had no intention of ever going home again. Why should I? I was alone. Alone.

We went one night taking nothing but a change of clothing and some food. We were so young we hadn't even started shaving. Jimmy was almost a year younger than me. We were kids. We didn't know what to expect. We were ignorant and filled with the thrill of being young and healthy and on our own in the wilderness. How stupid I was then. I thought I knew everything but I knew nothing. Nothing at all.

We were too young to fight, they said. I was mad about that, but couldn't persuade them otherwise. Jimmy, I know, was secretly relieved. Instead of fighting, we were sent out with messages. We had to memorize everything. It was considered far too dangerous to carry messages any other way. I soon discovered that carrying messages could be very exciting. Sometimes we even had to cross the enemy lines. I never thought once about what we would do if we were captured. Filled with the confident arrogance of youth, I thought I was immortal. Now, I am. Then I wasn't.

It was during these weeks of danger and excitement that I slowly became aware that my feelings toward Jimmy were changing. My love for him became tinged with a growing degree of sexual attraction. The excitement of our trips over the embattled countryside resulted in a huge and overwhelming sexual tension which needed an outlet. So one night, while we were hiding in a ditch after delivering a message, I grabbed Jimmy and kissed him. I don't know what I thought he would do. It was a spur of the moment action. It was without conscious decision. However, he kissed me back with enthusiasm.

Jimmy surprised me. He slid his lips down my chin and placed them on my neck. I was already shaking. I leaned away from him. "Are you sure?'' I asked. He smiled. ''I've wanted this for a long time'' he said, and he began to pull off his clothing with amazing speed and determination. I started to remove my own garments and gasped as he, unable to wait for me, leaned over and trailed his mouth down over my body, tasting the flesh. He reached my cock and ran his tongue up the shaft and around the head and dipped his hot tongue in the slit and I put my hand down over him and found his ass and slid my fingers in the space between his cheeks. He gasped and his mouth moved away from me and I missed its warm heat. I wrapped my arms about him and together we rolled and pushed and tensed in the dirt at the bottom of the ditch and together we found something that maybe was missing from both our lives---we found we were not alone-- we were one person, indivisible and omnipotent. We found love and when he came and then I came we were so close nothing could have forced its way between us--that's what we thought--that's what I thought, anyhow---and then---and then-----it was over and we were pulled apart and we were prisoners.

THEY took us away, naked as we were. We were dragged apart and dragged behind them to their own Operational Base. We were thrown into a compound filled to bursting with other prisoners. It was so crowded that there was no room to lie down all at once and there was no water and no food and no sanitation. That wasn't the worst of the horror though. The prisoners were desperate. Covered in filth and starving and dying of thirst as they were, they still had some energy left. They used this energy. They used it on us. Two kids, who actually knew so little, but thought they knew so much about life. Jimmy was younger and less experienced than I was. They turned on him first. I fought them as best I could but, despite their condition, they were too strong for me. I was forced to watch as they raped him, one after the other, and then, when he was broken and bleeding, they turned on me.

I was so young. I thought that I knew about life. I had seen my brother torn from me and my Father killed and my Mother die of despair and misery. I had seen so much but this was more than I could ever have imagined. It was like being cast into some mythological Hell. The pain of being penetrated without preparation, the agony of being taken against my will, the feeling of their cum running out of me along with the blood took something from me. Some fundamental element of humanity disappeared from me that day. I don't think I have ever gotten it back.

It was over and they left me against a wall alongside Jimmy. We couldn't lie down because there wasn't room and it was too painful anyhow. They propped us up against the wall and, before a moment had passed, THEY came and took us away. They wanted our Message and all the others we had delivered over the weeks. I couldn't remember them. As soon as they were delivered I forgot them. I knew Jimmy remembered though. He had a fantastic memory. They punched us both in the face and all over our bodies and when we fell down they pulled us up again and threw water over us. They took me aside and kicked me and broke my ribs and I could hardly breathe but I wouldn't talk. I wouldn't even cry out. They pulled my nails out of my feet and hands and the pain was almost unbearable but I wouldn't utter a sound. I bit through my lip to stop myself talking. So they gave up on me and turned on Jimmy.

Oh Jimmy. -----They made me watch. If I closed my eyes or tried to turn my head away they hit me and punched me again and again.They broke my arms and all my fingers because I turned away. I had to watch. That was my torture. They cut him all over. Small cuts that bled without killing. They broke his legs and burned his cock and balls until his screams were so loud they could have awakened the Dead. They crushed his hands and feet until blood spurted out of the ends of his fingers and toes. They cut off his ears and split his lips and cut off his nose and pulled his arms until both shoulders dislocated. He screamed but didn't tell them anything. They kept on and on for hours and he didn't die and he didn't talk. Finally, they cut open his body and pulled out his intestines and cut out his heart but he died before they had gotten his heart out, so they took it out anyhow and they cooked it and made me eat it. Then they bandaged me and treated my wounds and I didn't say a word. Then they let me go and I half walked, half crawled on my hands and knees until my own people found me.

I couldn't talk for a long time after that. I lay almost senseless for weeks while my body healed. My mind remained closed though in some dark and desperate place where no light could penetrate. I ate the Heart of my love. That was my punishment for making him go with me. I should have gone alone but I wanted him with me. I was evil and corrupt and without hope. I was irredeemable and one day I got up and started to exist again. But I didn't live. I have never really lived since that day. I will live for ever but part of me died that day with Jimmy and I will never get it back. I don't deserve to get it back. I should be dead but I will live for ever. That is my penance.


	4. You have to live and forget.

The next morning, Ianto gave Jack his first coffee of the day as Jack sat behind his desk dealing with some paperwork. Ianto sat on the edge of the desk and watched Jack sipping his coffee.

"Thank you for letting me into your mind, Jack" he said slowly, after a moment ''but you're wrong you know. You don't deserve any penance any more than you deserve to be punished for being raped. You weren't responsible. THEY were. Jimmy was younger than you but he CHOSE to go with you. He CHOSE to follow you. You were too young. You were both too young. That's your only mistake, if that can be called a mistake. You were both too young. You can't change the past any more than I can. I'd like to go back too. I've done things I regret too. Life is ours and we have to live it as best as we can. Jimmy would have wanted that. He could have talked, couldn't he? He could have ended his agony. He was so brave and you have to be brave now and live on for him. You have to forget the agony and remember only the sweetness of his kiss and the beauty of his smile. You have to go on and forgive yourself but never forget HIM. You have to do that in honor of his memory and for your peace of mind. That's what he would have wanted and you know that in your heart. You did what circumstances forced you to. That's all. Now you have to live and forget."

''Ianto'' said Jack, and Ianto leaned over the desk and they kissed, and the sweetness of it reminded Jack again of Jimmy and his eyes filled with tears. "I love you so much'' he said "and I'll never love anyone as much again. I'll try to forget and I'll try to forgive myself. For you--though--just for you.''

''That will have to be enough then'' said Ianto ''it is enough and I intend to live forever you know, for ever and ever and ever until the end of time.''

''You are my heart and soul'' said Jack, and they looked into each other's eyes and time stood still, and the world kept turning and turning and spinning and life went on and on and Jack loved Ianto more than life itself and together they fought and overcame the Demons of the night------------------

THE END.


End file.
